How are things going?

It has been nearly a month since my mother came to live with us. If you haven’t read my previous blog post, here’s a quick recap.

Throughout my life, my relationship with my mother has been tumultuous, beginning in childhood. She was both physically and emotionally abusive, and when I was around 13 years old, she left my brother and me, leaving us to be raised by my stepfather. This abandonment led to significant emotional struggles, including depression and deep-seated abandonment issues that have affected me throughout my life. I encourage you to read my last post for more background.

Since my mother, who is now suffering from dementia, moved in with us, the past month has been a whirlwind of challenges. She has an extreme attachment to her belongings and was very upset about not having all of them with her. She accused me and others of stealing from her and taking away her life. It has been incredibly difficult not to react emotionally—especially when she has been such a significant trigger for me in the past—while also dealing with the reality that she struggles to remember day-to-day events. Though she knew I was coming to bring her to my home, I now understand the extent of her dementia and why she wasn’t able to set aside the things she wanted to bring. She feels as though she was forcibly removed from her home and brought here against her will—which, from my perspective, is frustrating beyond words.

Through my research, I’ve learned that this type of behavior is common for individuals with dementia. However, when the person exhibiting these behaviors is the same one responsible for much of your childhood trauma, it presents an entirely different emotional challenge.

There were several days of tension, frustration, and anger in our household. My son, who has his own difficult history with my mother, became especially upset with her, and at one point, we even considered taking her back to her home to live out the rest of her days. But in the end, I couldn’t do it. No matter what, she is still my mother, and deep down, I care about what happens to her.

With the guidance of a family member who has been through a similar situation, along with extensive research, we’ve learned an invaluable lesson: sometimes, you just have to let things go. I may never receive the closure I once thought I needed, but I have come to terms with that. Learning more about my mother’s past and her struggles with mental illness has softened some of my anger. That being said, I still experience moments where my heart races with frustration over things she says. But in those moments, I remind myself that the best course of action is to let it go and redirect the conversation.

One of the biggest changes that has helped ease the tension is establishing a routine for her. Making sure she has regular meals, takes her medications on time, and stays engaged with activities has made a noticeable difference. She’s slowly getting more comfortable being in my home, and as a result, the anger and frustration that marked her first few weeks here are beginning to subside. She seems genuinely happier, which has been a relief for all of us.

While I’ve noticed a significant decline in her long-term memories, what’s heartening is that she appears to be creating new ones here with us. She often tells people how “happy” she is to be back with her family, and hearing that—despite everything—has brought a sense of peace I didn’t expect.

How am I staying calm and getting through it? I do really rely on my herbal apothecary to help with those days that are still so very hard!

Thanks for coming along on my journey!