Caring for an estranged parent

Coping with Childhood Trauma While Caring for an Ailing Parent

Childhood trauma has a way of resurfacing, especially when triggered by a situation as emotionally complex as caring for a parent who was responsible for much of that trauma. This is a challenge I’ve been navigating recently after receiving a call about my estranged mother, whom I hadn’t spoken to in several years.

My mother had a difficult past marked by mental illness and unresolved anger stemming from her own childhood. She was never a stable presence in my life, especially after my teenage years. Her pattern of prioritizing relationships with men over her children left lasting wounds. Many of those men struggled with issues such as alcoholism or anger, and in some cases, she seemed to gravitate toward individuals she felt she could "fix."

In 2012, my stepfather—whom I called "Dad" and who had raised me since I was three—passed away. Shortly after, my mother and her boyfriend moved into my stepfather’s home. Despite efforts to support her in leaving what we believed was an unhealthy and controlling relationship, she chose to stay. The man in question was not only domineering but also a registered sex offender, further straining any possibility of maintaining a connection. By the time he passed away on New Year’s Eve 2024, I learned my mother had been diagnosed with dementia.

A Personal Journey of Healing

To understand the depth of this situation, it’s important to share a bit about my journey. Growing up, I experienced multiple forms of abuse and witnessed horrors no child should endure. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive toward me and my brother before leaving us to live with her boyfriend. When we visited her, the hostility from her partner made it clear we weren’t welcome, so over time, the visits stopped, and the relationship eroded.

Fortunately, my stepfather provided a stable environment, but I was eager to leave home and build a better life. I became a parent at 21, and my son profoundly changed me. Determined to break the cycle of dysfunction, I committed to being a better parent. While I didn’t have role models to guide me, I learned through trial and error and built a loving family.

Though my marriage eventually ended in divorce, I continued to focus on raising my children in a nurturing and stable environment. During this time, I also embarked on my own healing journey, processing the anger and pain from my childhood and learning to accept that I might never have a close relationship with my mother. Letting go was difficult, but it allowed me to find peace and happiness.

The Return of Trauma

Fast forward to today: my mother, now elderly and struggling with dementia, is living in a deteriorating house and unable to care for herself. With no other family members available—my brother is incarcerated, and she has alienated others—the responsibility of helping her has fallen to me. I brought her into my home to ensure she receives the care she needs, but this decision has reopened old wounds.

The stress and anxiety I worked so hard to manage have resurfaced, exacerbating my rheumatoid arthritis, which I had successfully controlled for years. Dementia is a challenging and unpredictable disease, and I wasn’t fully prepared for its impact on my mental health and family dynamics.

My mother’s behavior—incorrect memories, angry comments, and negativity—has been difficult to navigate, especially given our history. I’ve learned that redirecting conversations and avoiding confrontation are often the best strategies, but it’s emotionally draining. The most painful realization has been accepting that I will never get the closure or resolution I longed for.

Moving Forward

This experience has taught me the importance of self-care and setting boundaries, even in caregiving. It’s essential to recognize when we need help, whether through counseling, support groups, or simply reaching out to friends or family for support. Caring for someone with dementia is a significant emotional and physical burden, and acknowledging the challenges is the first step toward managing them.

While the journey is far from easy, I remind myself of the resilience I’ve built over the years and the strength I’ve cultivated in creating a better life for myself and my children. This situation, though incredibly challenging, is another chapter in my story of growth and perseverance.

One of the things I am leaning on is my herbal arsenal! In this trying time I will be relying on a couple of my adaptogen herbs like Holy Basil and Ashwagandha. I limit my use of ashwagandha due to my RA so my preferred herb is Holy Basil, I use this in tea and capsule form. Getting lots of rest and not being afraid to take time for myself as needed to gather my self.

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